i fear dying unexpectedly
as though
i had a hundred things left to do
i fear living in chronic pain
i fear losing a piece of my body
a portion
to it being less
than what i have always had (good enough if not good)
i fear dying, constantly
i think sometimes that is why
i am so paranoid about every
ache/fluid/change
and the desperation to 
diagnose
as though i could somehow
stave off death

i seek a new understanding
between my body
and myself
between the way it is
corroding daily
decomposing
scarring
dying

if i could reinvent the way i perceive
not just death but the maintaining
if i could give up the obsession with
staving off the future
live this minute (and maybe the next)
perhaps then i could live
with a little less fear.

and what a relief, i think, that would be