She threw out all the happy endings.

and began again

0 notes

body dysphoria series no.5

i am terrified constantly
of losing a piece of my body
of kidney damage
of UTIs with lasting effect
of losing my leg to diabetes (even tho i don’t have it as far as i know)
of losing—

strange then that
i have often thought i would be happiest 
if i could cut out my uterus
it pains me
and nothing good comes from it
if i could cut out my ovaries
which do pain me, monthly
so that i think every four weeks
is this actually my appendix, rupturing
or just my reproductive system, ovulating? 

my mind spirals the drain wondering
can you have a kidney infection without a UTI?
or is this a stone refusing to roll?
i’m too young for this shit
i don’t drink monsters

or perhaps that ache is the next
manifestation
of
an
underlying
condition
(what i thought was PCOS maybe it’s is really endometriosis)

and i say these things badly
without affect
when they are not “nice words”
they are not the “accepted vocabulary” of free speech
dont say the word vagina they’ll throw you out
dont allude to your monthly guest it’s TMI
dont talk about the blood
and mucus
and pus
your body expels on a
daily
weekly
monthly
yearly
lifetime
basis because eugh 

i keep seeing these stories about
people with cancer
young(ish) people
because i’m not getting any younger
(i’m 23 already)
and i fear constantly
that i’ll get it next
as if its a thing to get

i fear constantly losing a piece of my body
when by the standard of
the whole human race
enough has already happened to make it
gross
undesirable
ugly
eugh 

women have significantly worse circulation
that’s why they have, stereotypically, cold feet
my toes fell asleep, cold
and i took twenty minutes
sitting on the edge of my bathtub
running hot water
over blanched toes
desperately trying not to panic
rubbing the blood into them
watching the color come back
watching the creep
desperately
terrified
of toes 

Filed under anxiety body anxiety body dysphoria poems by me i write sometimes